Feelings I Don't Deserve
by SSUqbar
Summary: The final part of my AU series The Potion Master's Quartet is here, semi based of DH, again there is a character death but also a kind of resurrection... Please remember to review (be as heartless as you like). Although this one has more gore than the others so I'm rating it high to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

The atmosphere around Hogwarts was fairly solid, some of the staff were confused as to why I had allowed the lack of staff meanings. If I was being honest I knew they would be less than lenient were they aware of the few changes to staffing. McGonagall was staying on in all her usual posts, I had been granted position of headmaster via Albus' will. Everything was the same apart from two positions – Slughorn had been convinced to come back in my place as potions professor and head of Slytherin house. So there was only the defence position left to fill, I did have a short list which consisted of: Remus Lupin, Alastor Moody, and Nymphadora Tonks.

But it still had to be narrowed down – in the end I settled on Remus; at least his condition would allow me some brewing time.

There was a squeak from the door as a certain head of house walked in, "Severus have you come to a decision?"

"Indeed I have, Minerva;" I could see a pair of quizzing eyes on me, "Remus Lupin," I could feel a shocked expression as an odd coldness filled the air, "but it's merely because he's good with the students; and he actually knows what he's doing."

"So not because he's a friend?"

"Certainty not,"

"Or that you have a guilty conscience over his previous resignation?"

"Minerva, I have a guilty conscience over a good many things; but Lupin's resignation isn't one of them." The old Gryffindor cat actually seemed wounded, so what if I hadn't been open with her – the less people knew, the less they would pity. Or judge.

My thoughts were interrupted by the caretaker bursting in like a – well – a crazed banshee would be an apt description.

"Headmaster Snape, Professor McGonagall; he's murdered me cat, he's gone too far this time he has," I could feel a rant, I held up my hand for silence. Argus stared furiously at my hand.

"Mr. Filch; although I believe I know who you are discussing please do enlighten me. Who do you believe has murdered Mrs Norris?"

"Peeves, of course sir." It was remarkable how often the man had come to this office and complained about the poltergeist. I heard a well-disguised laugh from Minerva.

"Mr Filch; were is Mrs Norris, really?" the man actually seemed scared.

"She's dead sir,"

"I know; so when did she die? Argus the truth before you attempt to blame Peeves or anyone else for that matter." I could see his brain trying to deal with the information much like a house-elf did. I heard a sigh of defeat as he sat in a chair in front of my desk.

"Two months ago to the day headmaster. But then you know that don't you?"

"True I do Argus." I could feel Minerva staring.

"Argus may I ask; why are you blaming Peeves if she'd already died?" I gave a small cough to catch her attention; when our eyes made contact I briefly shook my head – now we had to be worried about Filch. As well as everything else.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I knew what the day was; but I would not be attending the wedding of Bill Weasley and Fleur Delacour. Although I had taken the liberty to send my patronus with an apology that I could not physically attend their joyous union.

Considering it was rather a good event, through my patronus I felt the joy, happiness and eventual panic… Panic? That should definitely not be at a wedding. Since Minerva was perfectly in command were she was; I let my curiosity get the better of me.

By the time I arrived at the venue: the Weasley's backyard, I heard the tones of Kingsley – a well trusted auror within the order – "the ministry has fallen, the minister is dead."

When the echo of his voice had faded in the white wisps that had been a patronus, I felt the heat leave the room – or marquee – I heard several cracks as many of the guests' disapperated. Although I did note that Percy Weasley and Bellatrix Lestrange were duelling, and it was getting rather heated – I would never had expected the former Gryffindor head boy to know that much in the way of a vulgar muggle vocabulary – but then that could also have been the circle of fire they were fighting in.

Oddly it seemed to me that Percival Weasley had been late to his brother's wedding, but the way he duelled Bellatrix – he most certainty had something to prove. Then again so did I as the dark mark burned, mentally I heard the dark lord's words:

"Severus your paths are limited; you may re-join your comrades and brothers, you will re-join your true master or you shall find Hogwarts in ruin. I have been merciful before Snape but I shall not let you use my mercy again; or your home will be no more headmaster."

Despite knowing that Hogwarts was quite safe; at least for the next twenty-two hours anyway. I could see Percy staring at the place Lestrange had disapperated from, whilst he may have been yelling all I could hear was the hissing from the dark lord's message.

I was now wasting time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

I myself needed the advice of a dead man; whilst the counsel given by his portrait may have been the same; I did take all of half a minute at his marble tomb. That as it had done for almost a year ago guarded Hogwarts. And although the headmasters office may be my office, I still called it his; this was much to Minerva's annoyance.

It was in the headmaster's office that she had finally found me, I had been wondering the grounds waiting – no hoping - for some divine inspiration may occur to me – but the gods were as stubborn as always – and since Minerva McGonagall was one person who I had no wish to speak to at a time when I would have preferred to be at the top of the astronomy tower. Still I had to listen to her opinion; maybe she would think of something I had not.

"Severus? Headmaster, you have been somewhat distant since returning from Bill and Fleur's wedding." She waited for a reply which was not uttered. "For God's sake Snape speak to me! What's going on inside that head of yours?" I briefly looked at her as I attempted to turn away and look at anything else at all. I could feel myself subconsciously pinching the dark mark; whatever message I was sending, she seemed to receive and understand. "What's he done now?" I'd only ever heard Albus use the annoyed parent tone when trying to deal with the dark lord's plans. Once it would have been amusing, but not today.

"He's given me an ultimatum, Minerva; either re-join the ranks or let Hogwarts be destroyed. I find myself between a rock and a hard place." Our eyes met for a moment I knew she could see the what-should-I-do scream from my eyes. She sighed.

"What did Albus say?" She pointed to the now sleeping portrait of Albus Dumbledore who hung directly behind the chair I avoided sitting in at all cost.

"The same as usual; do what you believe to be right, my boy. Remember your decision will shape you, mould you, make you more than you are. I always knew that one day you would to choose between what is right and what is easy."

"He said that to me once," Minerva scrutinized the sleeping portrait.

"You said that to all of us didn't you?" I myself turned an accusing glance at the painted headmaster. Still he slept.

"What are you doing to do?" it seemed a fairly obvious question; so simple yet so difficult to answer.

"I've got ten more hours Minerva I can put this off a little longer, can't I?"

"If you must, headmaster; but not too long. I don't want to be replacing you just yet." Despite the almost warning tone she had used I could tell Minerva meant it in a light-hearted manner.

Maybe I could convince myself to go to Godric's Hallow – maybe Lily could talk some sense into me. As unlikely as that last part was, I hadn't been to her grave since Albus died; I couldn't make myself believe that both the ones I loved most had been forcibly taken from me.

I took a Thestral to Godric's Hallow – no matter which one I took it always knew to land outside the ruined house of the late Potter's. I allowed the creature to graze the back streets for leftover meat; whilst I went directly to the grave of Lily Evans; I was not looking forward to the mental conversation I would be having.

I always knew it would be a dark evening even without my melancholy attitude. The sky matched the clouds, which in turn matched the silent eeriness of the empty churchyard. No matter how I looked at this; they all screamed danger is coming, even my unnaturally dark eyes. I ignored the warnings that would have forced me away from this grave; her grave, Lily's grave. As usual I placed a lily on her grave and a black rose on James' – it was my form of an apology; the only sign of Slytherin sentimentality.

"Lily I need help," as usual there was no audible response but in my mind I heard a rather sarcastic: I know.

"You know what he's asked of me?"

"Of course I do, Sev."

"What should I do?"

"What did Albus say?"

"The usual," I was deliberately vague.

"Than that is what you do,"

"What do you mean?"

"Do what is right, or what is easy," in my mind I could see her lifting her right and left hands respectively.

"What is right is never easy,"

"Exactly."

"So I do what is right?"

"If you think it is,"

"Do you think its right?"

"Depends if your drunk or not,"

"For once not."

"Than its right," I saw her in mind, smiling; well more like grinning like a Cheshire cat. I subconsciously checked my

watch, and was immediately pleased that I had done so; I only had two hours left.

I didn't really care if my time keeping had gotten worse; I just knew that I had a reply to give to the dark lord. After apologising to both Lily and James for keeping them from their rest, I ran back to the Thestral; which glared at me – probably for taking too long – as I ordered it back to Hogwarts. I could feel myself beginning to panic rather ominously.

"Minerva!" I yelled as I gave the Thestral back to Hagrid. I saw her graceful appearance before one of the large stones that gave the front gates its magnificence. "Has there been any word?"

"Only this, Severus." I knew I was running out of time before Hogwarts was damaged; Voldemort never gave additional time to anyone – least of all someone who had `betrayed' him. I didn't betray him, I spied on him; I infiltrated his inner circle, I lied to him. But in doing so I became less of the human I was.

I gasped slightly as she handed me the overly folded parchment; it read: "_I hope you have made up your mind Severus. Or else Hogwarts will find its headmaster meeting a grisly death, again. You have half an hour to meet us at Malfoy Manor, Snape._" We both stared at the parchment for a moment; I decided almost immediately to floo to Malfoy Manor; I didn't need the trauma of dealing with all the Malfoys. However, given the circumstances it was inevitable.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I felt the heat of the green flames as I arrived out of the fireplace in the great hall of Malfoy Manor. The moment I saw the dark lords red snake eyes boring into mine, I could feel what was left of the heat leave; along with every possible exit. As with the others I could now see my own breath, although I could see it far more frequently compared with any of the other cold-hearted, non-human entities like Bellatrix, Avery and Voldemort himself. On the plus side – yes there was one – the fact that I hadn't taken a single drop of firewhisky, or butterbeer nor any other alcoholic beverage; I was still perfectly in control of all my abilities, including knife throwing.

My eyes were trained on Nagini as she coiled and uncoiled in her magical cage. My attention was taken as a soft but never the less dangerous hissing entered my ears: "Severus, have you come to a decision?"

"Indeed I have, Voldemort." I could hear the gasps from people – and I used the term loosely – like Lucius, Bellatrix and Augustus. I saw those red eyes narrowing judgementally at me.

"You are aware that you have hammered the final nail into the casket that will hold your precious school." I could tell that McNair in particular was sniggering.

"I couldn't have done; I'm not holding a hammer," I swear I saw smoke from his nostrils, at my suddenly muggle sense of humour.

"I own you, yet you still betrayed me; and now you refuse to die when I command you."

"Of course I refuse to die; and seeing as you do not own me, you cannot command me." I sniggered at the dark lords' incompetence. Which only seemed to send him further into rage – a rage when his accuracy fell past pathetic and his intelligence went through the floor, past Malfoy's cellars and then got burned in hell, where the rest of him would one day be placed.

Given my unnoticed shuffling movements past Voldemort and his incompetent henchmen and woman – not that Bellatrix was even human – I had a chance to throw one my daggers in the wriggling snake as it uncurled to show the softer underside. I quietly drew the blade from my sleeve as a quick flick of my wrist sent it flying, straight and true, into the creatures' belly. The magical cage had been my one worry but like my intentions and aim the daggers power was true. Much like the sword of Gryffindor, the daggers of Slytherin were also goblin made, also basilisk impregnated and positively deadly in the right hands. In the dark lords anger he somehow managed to kill not only Bellatrix but Lucius and Draco as well; before even getting a killing curse anywhere near me – which as always I douched.

Since I knew the floo had been disabled and apparition would be impossible due to the wards; I took the decision to use my secondary animagus form of a black Pegasus to fly out of the Malfoy's ancestral home. It was fairly easy considering the chaos the dark lord had created by murdering two and a half of his most psychotic death eaters; whom ironically should have been more likely to be killed by the auror's than their master.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

By my arrival back in the headmasters' office I could tell that Albus was becoming worried; but then I had a note to write for Potter. It was a fairly standard little black book, information that could cause the death of the dark lord. I knew Potter, Weasley and Granger where doing this the hard way, but I still had some strings to pull.

Certain pages of this black book gave details like which Horcrux had been destroyed already, along with possible places for the rest of them; before leaving for the forest of dean I took the liberty of destroying the diadem of Ravenclaw – at least that would give the trio somewhat better odds. I also decided to place the book with the sword of Gryffindor at the small pool; I was aware that they had the real locket of Slytherin – it was a shame to destroy such historical artefacts but they had been destroyed when Voldemort put parts of his soul in them in addition to this I left a note for Granger hidden in the back of the book; it contained my signature for my suggested petition on the unfairness of wizarding law particularly when it came to wills; I hinted at the possibility of both Malfoy's being dead along with all the Lestrange's – I put Bellatrix in a different colour.

I hoped very much that Granger would piece all the valued information together before they went to Gringotts. I'd already told the goblins to expect the Golden Trio; I hoped that they wouldn't need any identification as the original Bellatrix had been disposed of – I did indeed know of their plan to break in; I had removed the need for criminal behaviour from those three brave, courageous and stupidly reckless Gryffindor's. Well; Potter was brave, Granger was courageous and the brains of the outfit; Weasley was just stupid – until you got to chess, then he was Granger – and this was not chess. Considering that I knew they were in the forest of dean, I took the liberty of hand – or patronus – delivering the black book and the true sword of Gryffindor to the trio; at a small pond which I knew to be close to their camp. Then maybe if I was highly unlucky the insufferable know it all would piece together my patronus.

Speaking of my patronus; I sent it ahead of me to see if any of the dark lords goons where following me –as I, like Potter where for his pleasure to be tortured and captured only – fortunately for me there were none of his clothed puppets anywhere, I did briefly see Potter as I prevented myself from being seen; my doe had attracted him – as her's did he. I felt a warming presence against the winter's night I had chosen to deliver the book and sword to the boy-who-lived or chosen one, or whatever he was titled as. As soon as I was certain that the boy had his information, I left for home – having a new parcel to wrap.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Gringotts were used to owls coming and going but my raven form seemed to be turning a few heads. I did note that Potter was not with Weasley and Granger; clearly he had been granted access to the oldest Gringotts account holders vault – The Lestrange's – probably to get the cup. Seemed like the-know-it-all wasn't so insufferable after all, fortunately Granger's logic and intelligence was keeping the boys on track. So even if she had worked out the doe it would be likely that she didn't inform anyone as with Lupin all those years ago: she didn't even tell her teacher she knew about his condition or his flurry little problem. Me being myself, I was unaware that Granger was staring at me – obviously unaware it was me – I merely cocked my head to the side in a curious fashion as I flew over to her; I had more patience with her than I did Weasley and with Potter still not back I dropped a rather neatly wrapped parcel on her lap.

The letter that was attached she gave to the incompetent one who made no effort, I could see his mouth moving but there was a constant buzzing in my ears – Potter taught them Muffliato? This was a curious development, I had been aware that the golden boy knew about my `for enemies' curse; but I assumed that he had heard it from one of the Slytherin's – apparently not. It didn't matter I knew that letter of by heart having proof read it at least six times.

"Golden Trio, you have been invited to the Hog's Head pub where you will ask the landlord and barman for Abe Doore; the private rooms you will be escorted to, you will wait in. SS Snape."

After letting Granger read the letter, Weasley checked the parcel which had contained a basilisk fang. I knew Potter well enough to know that the destroyed cup would stay in Bellatrix's vault, and the sword would be presented or gifted to the goblins of Gringotts as compensation for the destruction of a highly valuable object – not that they would have allowed the sword to leave.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

By the time the trio where back at their forest camp Granger had noticed something odd about the parcel – it had a fake bottom – she unlocked it to find the true locket of Slytherin. From the headmasters office I heard the Potter-ish accent of parseltongue and the mark burnt furiously as if itself was in pain which its master was. The Gryffindor's were another Horcrux down.

I left the glamour's undone as I flew through the grounds of Hogwarts, over the houses and businesses of Hogsmede – as usual Trelawney was over her head in sherry in the three broomsticks. But I was heading for the Hogs Head; Aberforth had flooed me saying the Golden Trio had arrived – I took the liberty of using my raven form to fly through one of the upstairs windows; I didn't want to be seen entering the Hogs Head pub. I followed my own instructions to small cube room which despite the roaring fire there was very little in the dilapidated room. The trio didn't notice me flying over them as they ate at the oddly circular table – how very Arthurian. I landed on the back of an armchair facing the fire, transforming myself back into a human I could feel the heat from it despite the lack of light. I had expected Potter or Granger to notice me first, not Weasley.

"Snape, how long have you…" I cut him off,

"Long enough Weasley, but we should be having this discussion at the school," I turned to the large portrait that hung over the mantle. "My lady; you know what to do." She bowed as she left her portrait from the back rather than the usual side of the frame. The silence was tangible until it was broken by a quiet squeak – I still heard it. "What is it now Weasley?" I sighed quietly, I could almost hear his question before he actual asked it.

"Your face, how long…" I cut him off, again; he was as eloquent as Potter.

"Been like this Weasley?" he nodded as he continued to stare. "Long enough,"

"Is that you answer to everything?" Granger had finally spoken, I shrugged – words did not wish to form in my brain. The young Gryffindor's seemed uneased by my lack of sarcastic bitterness – if I was honest I was uneased by their uneasiness.

"Pretty much, usually when I don't particularly want to be answering random questions."

"Oh," was the only sound to be heard from the Gryffindor collective. I looked back at the portrait of Ariana Dumbledore – yes I knew who she was; I also knew that the three lions stood around me may have been completely oblivious to this fact – it had finally unlocked itself as it swung forward to reveal a hidden passageway. I thanked Ariana as I stepped through; the barrier I had placed on the entrance dissolved when my Pegasus form touched it. I was rather pleased that we could make this journey pleasantly quiet, until Granger made another random question; well it was of a statement.

"Sir, you do know that your mane and tail have a white streak in." I paused to glare at her, fortunately the three of them had left sufficient space between ourselves to avoid walking into me. The only audible response she got was an array of snorts and grunts that any other horse type creature would have reared in contempt to my atrocious language in front of and at fouls.  
However my human brain refused to call the golden trio fouls, they had stopped being children in their first year – particularly Potter – but that was not their fault: nobody listened to them. Even through this second silence it was clear to each of them that I had other things on my mind; and that I didn't want to be interrupted from those thoughts.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

After several more minutes in silence, I gave a sigh of relief as the room of requirements came into view. I stopped short them short so that I had a chance to change to my raven form; there were many moans of annoyance from those I had escorted. I shrieked as Ariana's portrait swung forward to open onto a staircase, opposite her was the secondary portrait of Albus – I noted that Granger was about to ask something, I landed on her shoulder and shook my head softly, I knew she got the message – I also spied an open window the perfect size for an undersized raven. I happened to fly through it, at to avoid the rest of the school – who were filing into the room. This was a conversation I could have another day – meaning not today, which also meant not now.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

The peace of the headmaster's office was highly welcoming after the cheers of union in the room of requirements. Unfortunately this peace will have to fade; Minerva shall have to be informed that her lion cubs were back in the safety of the pride – oddly she seemed willing to include me in her pride.

I turned to Albus' portrait; unlike the others he was able to visit all the Hogwarts paintings – including the one that hung conveniently beside Minerva's desk.

"Albus,"

"Severus, you would like me to get McGonagall wouldn't you?"

"If you please headmaster," he chuckled lightly as he left his frame to get Minerva. Despite this taking a good half an hour she was still here too quickly.

"Severus, you wished to see me?"

"I thought you might wish to know that your cubs have returned; they even seem remarkably unscathed." I grimaced slightly as the dark mark flared up. Fortunately, Minerva didn't notice it but the portraits of my predecessors all did – although thankfully they knew not to interfere with this particular pain. "I must admit they are back sooner than I expected but I am pleased." She seemed to sigh, her new relaxed posture seemed to pick up on my nerves. This time she saw the pain plastered across my face.

"Severus, are you alright?"

"Just keeping my enemies closer, Minerva." I laughed at the humourlessness of the situation. But apparently that was the wrong thing to say; I must have wounded her pride.

"So what does that make me?"

"A friend, Minerva; a good friend. That should never be in any doubt." I was actually concerned that she didn't trust my judgement enough to know instantly that she, like Poppy, and Albus would never be considered anything else but a friend. Although I might occasionally call Poppy mother and Albus grandfather – even if he was dead – it simply showed that she, Minerva McGonagall, would always be a good friend to me.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

I was getting remarkably worried that since earlier that thing had not calling me – not that I wasn't pleased that he seemed to have forgotten me – I was fearful that he had some alternative motive. Not to mention the fact I had been expecting another ultimatum by now.  
The sudden pain in my left forearm caught me off guard, as I hissed rather loudly during one of the monthly meetings; Pomfrey and McGonagall seemed the most worried about my abrupt departure – I also knew that Minerva's cat senses would have alerted her not only to the sound but also the feeling of my pain; of course I only allowed a fraction of it to reach her. Both of my mother-hen protectors seemed to suspect this, the matron even had time to scan me. Due to Minerva's Gryffindor nature she opted for the confront tactic – as a Slytherin I should have used this against her, but I couldn't bring myself to do so.

The hissing of the dark lord in my mind clearly suggested that Tom was biding his time – not that anyone knew where he was – and he had successfully caught my attention. Now it was a waiting game.

Not that I had a long time to wait due to Voldemort's predictable impatience.

"Severus, you refused me before I hope that you have changed your mind since then."

"Why do you think that I would return to you?"

"We both know that's not what I mean," I kept my interest silent as he continued, "You will see soon enough," the cackle that filled my head successfully managed to burst one of my eardrums – fortunately Poppy was suitably prepared for my arrival. Unfortunately for me she was in a more questioning mood than normal:

"He spoke to you didn't he?"

"Indeed he did, Madame."

"Why? What does he want now?"

"I'm unsure; he simply said you'll see soon enough," this particular medi-witch knew that I was very concerned by this sudden vagueness in the dark lord. He was usually one to speak his mind; unless he was making a larger point. Something must have clicked in my mind as as soon as Pomfrey had released me I ran to McGonagall's office; "Minerva! Get all the students to the great hall, now." As soon as I turned to leave:

"Do you mean the ones from the come and go room, as well?"

"Indeed I do Professor; but I've got a plan."  
I continued to mutter to myself as I sent the message on to the other heads of houses via my patronus. By the time this was done it was nearly nightfall. Nothing happened, as I sat and leaned against the headmaster's chair. I could tell everyone was getting restless – I couldn't blame them – as was I; until a scream came from a muggleborn of each house. The Slytherin's scream was louder than all others, I swiftly placed her into a dreamless sleep.

Tom's voice echoed across Hogwarts grounds and through the castle itself; "I have a request. Give me Harry Potter and none shall be harmed, give me Harry Potter and Hogwarts will prevail; give me Harry Potter and you shall be rewarded." His manic laugh carried through the ancient walls of Hogwarts. I did have a bad feeling that some of the older Slytherin's were likely to revolt as they had during Albus' funeral; however without Draco calling the shots it was anyone's guess as to what would happen.

"There he is someone grab him!" it was Miss Parkinson, I could tell Minerva was likely to do something rash; so I stepped in.

"Miss Parkinson, you do know that Voldemort is likely to kill everyone no matter who hands over Potter." She paled somewhat as everyone continued to stare at her rather unpleasantly.

"He didn't kill you the last time…" I cut her off, for a sixth year she was very well informed.

"The last time I killed his snake, I doubt he's going to like me giving him Potter; not that I would anyway." I heard a collective gasp from the two extreme houses, the Hufflepuff's seemed quite pleased that my loyalty to Hogwarts was coming through.

"You killed Nagini?" that was it, there was no way she should ever have known that serpents name. Parkinson herself seemed unaware of her error.

"Parkinson," my voice was on the dangerous side, "lift your left sleeve; if you please."

"Not bloody likely, TRAITOR!"

"Parkinson your sixteen, that is bloody suicide."

"But he said he loved me. And I'm better than she was. "

"Good god girl, your just as deluded as she was as well." My knees gave way; I tried to calmly give my instructions to McGonagall – but I was in too much shook. "McGon, get them out of here; but check forth years up left arm." After eventually coming to my senses it became apparent that both Slughorn and I had failed our students. I didn't even see the point hiding the tears that ran down my face.

Once again I was ashamed to be a Slytherin; except this time it showed.

I hadn't been prepared for half of my house to be actual death eaters; their parents yes, but not them. And Parkinson I thought she had a brain or at least some common sense.

There was really only one thing for it, go to the dark lord myself. But somehow I would have to keep them busy; I caught the gaze of Minerva as always she seemed to see past my façade.

"Severus don't, whatever it is don't do it."

"I'm sorry Minerva but it really is the only way left to us."

"You mean you?" I sighed, the old cat knew me too well. So she should know that I had a plan B – well at least I thought I did. I lightly gripped her shoulder – I don't know why I did it – but it felt like the right thing to do.

Oddly Slughorn left with the rest of Slytherin house to be escorted somewhere; those very few who stayed seemed suddenly drawn to me as if I would protect them from not only the lions, badgers and eagles but the evil that lay in wait elsewhere. My duty had been to my house; but now it was to my school, my students – all of them. Once again I removed the glamour; although all of them this time, the peppered hair became jet black but with a single white streak – similar to the one Granger had seen on my Pegasus form. I really didn't know how that had happened, it just did. Much like my plan; only a few Slytherin's would have the Gryffindor nerve of self-sacrifice: and I was one of those few. I mean Tom `Voldemort' Riddle would never expect a member of Salazar's house to die for what they believed in – kill, yes; but die? Never; never would a Gryffindor heart be found in a Slytherin body. Looked like I was the exception; as per usual.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

My plan was so simple even Weasley could have followed it; but then of course Potter had to ruin it.

"Professor Snape?"

"Yes, Harry?" we stopped outside Hagrid's hut, the lights were not on; Fang did not bark – that was if the dog was still alive.

"Where are you going?" he noticed that I was becoming both uncomfortable and impatient. "You're not going to him, are you?"

"I might be," he paled slightly and if I could I would have done also.

"But," I had to cut him off,

"Don't you dare you say you need me; because, Potter you don't." before the boy could answer I informed him it would be safer for him back in the castle, I had plans that needed to be addressed.

I did not look back at him as I left for the forbidden forest, where I knew Voldemort was waiting for either someone with Potter or Potter himself; I would not allow either. It was an awkward walk as I convinced myself that wouldn't meet my death tonight; although the only way I could possible prevent my own untimely demise would be the draft of living death – which would take up to an hour to kick in – but then this could also be my death as I may forget to take the antidote. But I had made a mental vow to Potter to bring Hagrid back – I knew that they needed a way of keeping Aragog and his older hatchlings under control – not that I knew how I was to do this.

As soon as I entered the clearing it become unhelpfully clear that the draft of living death was utterly useless. My mind was cleared as I heard the soft, dangerous hissing of the dark lord which was far too reminiscent of his pathetic overfed snake. I could feel the anger rolling of him.

"You killed my Nagini,"

"I did,"

"So you refuse me, and then arrive here without the boy?"

"Indeed,"

"Where is he?"

"Not here, and no I will not tell you."

"So I will have to kill you."

"Do not pretend Tom; you were going to do that regardless." I was beginning to sound infuriatingly like Dumbledore.

"You dare," he hissed so quietly that I almost missed it.

"Of course I do," I edged my way closer to a subdued Hagrid, who had been manually bound by the lowest ranking death eaters in his proximity; McNair and someone who looked surprisingly like young Malfoy. Given my skill with both wordless and wandless magic, it was far too easy to release the gamekeeper of his bounds; transport a letter from my pocket to his – it would explain everything, in time – and also teleport Hagrid himself to Madame Pomfrey, who would have been most anxious to see or deal with me.

Even though I had transparently magiced the gamekeeper to safety, I wouldn't have thought Tom Riddle would be so patient when dealing with such arrogance from persons he supposedly trusted. It wasn't until a green light managed to make contact with my right hand did I immediately feel light-headed, weak at the knees and the rest of the world appeared to go black; but didn't feel dead, not really.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

I could hear the crackle of dry grass, I opened my eyes to find myself at the old playground near both my and Lily's homes; only the headmaster was here.

"Albus?" I noticed he looked betrayed, "What is it?"

"You made a horcrux," his tone was most certainly accusing.

"I didn't kill anyone, Professor," he still looked hurt by this revelation. "Your death did more damage to my soul than you can ever know; sir,"

"But I died for you, my son"

"Yes and that convinced me that I had killed you." If Albus Dumbledore had been confused before than he definitely was now.

"But I did it because I loved you,"

"And that love killed you; my love, Albus. Don't you see?" I couldn't help it as I cried and held him close to me, hoping he was real.

"Well this is odd," in one surreal moment we were both laughing, it was a joyous sound that I had not heard from my mouth in a very long time. "Severus why did you; you know, make it?" I had expected the question but not in such a soft and timid manner.

"Curiosity, and irrational fear,"

"Fear?" there was a shock in the headmasters voice.

"That you and Lily would hate me; that she had not forgiven me, that you're forgiveness was an act just to use me." I paused briefly shaking as a gentle hand lay on my shoulder, Lily's hand was on my shoulder.

"Sev, you silly fool," she laughed, just as I remembered her – full of happiness and joy. Her eyes still glistened as she spoke to Dumbledore; they had taken their conversation further away – I could not hear it – normally I would have attempted to get closer to her but I was frozen, she was putting Albus in his place; she was willing to talk to me. I knew she would be back by my side as the headmaster faded with an odd look of sorrow on his face. "Sev, I forgave you years ago." she gingerly held my hand – it was just like old times.

"For which bit, Lily?"

"All of it." I looked at her curiously; there was only a look of determination of her face.

"But I called you that word; I caused your death," she cut across me.

"You were angry, humiliated and I knew you were sorry the moment you said it." There must have been a hurt look in my eyes. "Professor Dumbledore told me that you had to learn the consequences of your actions on your own. And look where that got you," I smiled slightly as I interrupted her.

"Yeah, a yelling match outside Gryffindor Tower."

"I'm sorry for calling you a death eater,"

"No need, it's what I became." I shrugged off her apology – as I always did.

"Should have known that you would do that."

"Do what?"

"Not accept my apology," she actually seemed hurt, but I would still be happy to stare into her eyes forever. I couldn't help but chuckle at my own sentimentality.

"I don't need to accept it." Lily was about to interrupt but I put my hand up to stop her, "You have nothing to apologise for," she smiled sadly. "What?"

"I only went out with James to make you jealous. I wanted you back."

"You…I…what?" she laughed lightly, it was one of those girly giggles, when the guy they like does something `cute'.

"I wanted you back."

"Lily, I would have been jealous if you'd have gone out with Pettigrew." There was an annoyed look on her face. I tried to clarify, "Look no matter who he was I would always be jealous."

"Ok," she seemed silently stunned.

"Lily?"

"I wanted you; but the Gryffindor's hated you. Dumbledore told me not to forgive you. With your brains you could have had anyone. You were out of my league." I really had to laugh, which only seemed to infuriate the beautiful woman further.

"Out of your league? Could have ad anyone? Really Lily were we blind to each other. I mean even Sirius could tell I was mad about you." I'd been trying to say it for years, but as soon as I had my face went an awful shade of red as I focused on the ground under our feet.

"You wanted me? But why; why didn't you say anything?" I snorted, sometimes Lily could over simplify things.

"Scared," but so could I – even if it was the truth.

"Don't be. Do you remember the spell you put on Dumbledore to stop him decaying?" it was definitely an odd question. I looked up at her.

"Yes," a wave of realisation hit me clear as day. Lily wasn't dead. "Draught of Living Death?"

"That's my genius potions master," Lily's voice almost cooed it as if I was a puppy.

"You do know Harry's going to kill us, well me."

"Yeah, there is a bit of James in him; isn't there?"

"Just the Quidditch; and his face. He has your eyes and nature. I was so cruel to him, why didn't I just look harder?" I looked into Lily's eyes, I could feel myself falling into those perfect green pools. Our faces where agonisingly close; there was no way to avoid it when our lips met. I could feel her trying to pull me closer to her; I could never refuse her. Her hand was entangled through my hair, as mine held her close to me; there was only one interruption: Albus Dumbledore was back. And like always he never coughed he just spoke as everything was perfectly normal.

"Maybe you two should go back," he chuckled slightly as we both jumped backwards away from each other.

"Why do you never cough?" we both rounded on him, his smile was still on his face but it didn't reach his eyes. If anything they were full of hurt.

"Albus, is he gone?"

"Oh yes Severus; Voldemort is gone, and due to Miss Evans brilliance and your little curiosity episode you tow can go back to the living. I for one am glad you've found peace Severus." Dumbledore faded back into empty space again; as a tunnel of light appeared to take us back to our bodies.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

I woke instantly in the hospital wing, Pomfrey stood at the end of the bed staring furiously at me. Minerva seemed content just to stay by my side; the golden trio were hovering behind the matron. Potter seemed most angry by my order for him to stay.

Severus, what were you thinking!?" all I could hear was the matron's over powering voice.

"Pomfrey headache and need to go to Godric's Hollow now." I attempted to stand finding it far easier than it had been in years, "Poppy,"

"I don't know Severus, you were fully healed when you here, only in a coma."

"Coma, Lily. We need to go now." I stared urgently at McGonagall and Pomfrey, each looking at me as if I'd gone mad. "Arghhh. Fine I'll go myself." I stormed rather ungracefully out of the hospital wing, through the grounds and beyond the gate where I apparated loudly to Godric's Hollow.

I could tell that I wasn't late to the grave site of Lily and James Potter as neither grave had been disturbed, but that was about to change. Silently I asked James to forgive me for entering his wife's tomb; I knew that in theory she would be perfectly fine – alive, well and awake – but that didn't stop me being afraid that she'd miscalculated something – the depth of the burial, the composition of the earth around her; whether another coffin had been placed above her. Had I known that she was still alive under there I would have removed her years ago or even earlier this year when I came here. But now there was only one thing for it to start digging.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

I'd been digging for most of the evening and as night fell I could see the oak coffin Lily had been buried in; it was an artfully decorated thing, most positively bespoke – and lined with ornately carved lilies. I stopped briefly as I levitated the casket to the surface; I could definitely hear breathing – but was it hers or mine? I delicately removed the lid with one of the knives I still felt compelled to hold on to. Smiling blindly at me was my Lily; her green eyes radiated happiness, although her soft auburn hair could have done with washing and I wasn't going to mention that she was thinner than me.

I immediately apparated with her back to the Hogwarts gates; I refused to leave her with anyone else. So I carried her on my back in my Pegasus form; just in case my love fell asleep against me – which I would have been overjoyed at. By the time I reached the hospital wing, it would have been likely that I could have died of exhaustion; and Lily from malnutrition. The only acknowledgement that anyone knew who the woman I had carried in was a strange squeak from Granger and a number of wide eyes from everyone else: Minerva hadn't seemed to have moved since I left; but the tears that threatened her composure clearly suggested that she knew full well what was going on. I nudged Lily lightly to encourage her to sleep – which she did need.

"Sev been asleep too long, wide awake see." I knew she was attempting to hide a yawn. I turned back to human and perched on the side of the bed holding her hand rather firmly.

"Lil, got to sleep; I promise I'll be right here in the morning." I kissed her forehead, I was completely oblivious to Granger and Pomfrey walked in. Until…

"Ahhh. That's too cute," I shot one of my death glares at Hermione, only to be rebuked by Lily.

"Severus Snape; you are not a basilisk." I snorted but otherwise ignored the comment.

"Sleep Lil, I'm right here."

"Always?" her question may have caught me off guard briefly but I hid it well.

"Always." I confirmed as she began to snore lightly. If I could stay awake forever I would be happy to watch her sleep.

"Professor, you need to sleep as well."

"I'm not moving,"

"Well it's good to know that you're still a stubborn mule, Severus."

"You know even love can't change some people."

"You can snap right out of that Snape," I turned slightly to find Pomfrey standing with her hands on her hips.

"Sorry old habit," I summoned a chair next to Lily's bed so I could sit on it. I could feel eyes apprising me; Granger and her scrutinising skills.

"You seem happier sir,"

"I am Hermione, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm not the nicest person in the world."

"It's a start, best warn you though," I raised my eyebrow a bit. "Me, Ron and Harry; we're coming back for an 8th year."

"Harry, Ron and I; Miss Granger." I couldn't help but correct her; I was still a teacher after all. My mind began to race as the truth sank in. "What do you mean 8th year?"

"Despite everything Ron and Harry actually want to get some NEWTS, professor." She chuckled much like the Weasley did. "They had to convince me this time."

"You didn't want to come back?" I was certainly astounded by this fact.

"Well I've been here since I was eleven; that's long enough of anyone, isn't it?" both Granger and I looked towards Lily who had just snorted quietly;

"He can't argue with you there;" despite having her eyes closed she still turned her head towards me, "Can you Severus?"

"I could try," Granger laughed but did not stay as Lily lifted herself to a more comfortable position.

"You scared her off,"

"No; if there's one student I couldn't scare it would be Hermione Granger. Besides she saved me a couple of years ago; I owe her." I felt Lily squeeze my hand slightly.

"Do you think matron will let us leave soon?" Just like myself and Harry, Lily hated the hospital wing.

"Have to ask her." Pomfrey was one of those people who turned up when started talking about them.

"Ask me what?" I raised my eyes at Lily who blushed. "What?"

"Madame Pomfrey what's the likelihood of us leaving this side of Christmas?" I could see her eyes smiling even if her face didn't show it.

"Not likely with that attitude Severus Snape and besides I know how much you love this wing." At this Lily burst into laughter,

"Good to see I amuse you, my dear." As I shook my head at the sudden seriousness in her voice, which was clearly a bit sore when she said:

"But really Poppy, can we go now?"

"Only when I say you can." There was an ominous lack of any emotion in her voice, the matron was keeping something from us. But what?


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

"Lily? Why did you decide to stay down here?" it had been three weeks since Poppy had allowed us to leave the hospital wing, and with only one week left before the start of term both Lily and I really needed to get some lesson plans done. I actually hadn't gone for defence this year, and Minerva had taken over as Headmistress. So Lily had kindly stepped in to cover Transfiguration; Potions was back with me, but defence – well that was being kept a secret for the feast.

"Because you're here silly,"

"Wouldn't your office be warmer?" I was trying to keep the conversation serious, and was failing at it.

"No, you're not there."

"Since when have I been a natural fire that radiates warmth and light?" she was defiantly trying to change the subject now.

"You're not worried," there was a pause as my eyebrow arched itself, "about what the young lions will think with you as their head of house?"

"Not worried, no" I knew my doe could tell that there was more to it.

"Then what?"

"I'm terrified, okay? I'm scared of what Harry will think. I mean I was a bastard to him for years and now he has to come to me if he has any problems? How's that going to work?" I couldn't stop, not now, even if I tried. "Despite everything, he never complained, never told anyone. Not the pensieve, not his relatives, not Malfoy insulting you, not even when Ron wouldn't talk to him for the fourth year because a bloody death eater got in and put his name in the goblet of fire." I could tell there was a confused look on Lily's face. "That's the Triwizard Tournament that I told you about; how I got stabbed by the head boy." I winched slightly at that unpleasant memory; not even Albus believed me then.

"Severus, stop overthinking things and you will be fine."

"Easy for you to say, everybody loves you."

"Just be firm but fair; like I know you are with the Slytherin's now."

"But I'm still a snake Lily, why would the lion cubs listen to me? I cannot change their perceptions overnight."

"True, but maybe it's not just you. Maybe things will get better when the houses stop using each other's emblems as insults. Even the teachers do it subconsciously, although from what I've heard you were the worst." Lily looked at me apologetically; but I knew she spoke the truth. It was my turn to change the subject.

"Lily? Who do you think Defence will be?"

"Merlin knows but I'd wager it has something to do with old Binns and Miss Granger."

"What?"

"They are cancelling Muggle Studies and History of Magic." She shrugged although far too pleased that she knew something I didn't. "Who told me? McGonagall of course," definitely acting smug.

"How did you know I was going to ask you that?"

"I know you."


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

It was the staff meeting before the sorting ceremony and feast; Minerva wore her olive green robes but this time they had added gold pinning to it. Green and Gold seemed to work well on her. Lily wore classical white and black which were the traditional colours of the flower that bore her name. My robes were the opposite of Lily's; black and white – still mostly black but with a hint of white for the woman who brought happiness back in my life. Filius seemed to notice that we were opposites of each other, however if he noticed than so did Poppy, Pomona, Aurora and Hermione – who walked in tragically late, or perhaps very early for her meeting with Minerva.

"Hermione, glad you could join us. We've almost finished but there's something I wanted your opinion on."

"Yes Professor?"

"You are head girl, yes?"

"You should know professor, you sent it." It was time that I cut in.

"Actually I did," both Minerva and Granger stared at me with their mouths agape, "What? I thought she might go for it if the letter came from you rather than me."

"Professor Snape, it doesn't matter which teacher recommended me or even sent the letter. I'm just amazed you gave it to me in the first place; I haven't even been here for the whole of last year, remember?"

"That's the point Miss Granger, you've been a major part of the outside world. Besides I doubt Potter or Weasley have the right attitude to be a head." There was a glare from her and Minerva; as well as Lily, which was unsurprising.

"Sev," I recognised the dangerous tone that said look-at-me-or-face-the-consequences. I turned my head to face Lily – this wasn't going to end well, for me. I felt a burning pain across the side of my face; I had not seen Lily raise her hand, I didn't know she could hit that fiercely. "You insult my son or his friends, than you will know the meaning of pain."

"Can't say I didn't deserve that; and I already know pain. More than you know Lily." I swept out of the meeting before it could even come to an end.

I didn't need to know that the others agreed with her, I didn't want to cry in front of anyone; least of all her. Before I knew what I was doing or where I was going; I was at the top of the astronomy tower. I needed to clear my head of her so that I could think of some nearly acceptable apology for my words against her child. But I could think of none; the only thing I could think to do that may in some way work, was to apologise to Harry.

888

"Lily was that absolutely necessary?"

"What are you getting at Minerva McGonagall?"

"Your death crushed him; he's partially healed and then this? You do know that killing him would have been kinder."

"You all heard what he said." Lily was clearly exasperated.

"Yes and for once I agree. Harry and Ronald are not head boy material, Hermione however is far more suitable for being head girl."

"He's not the Sev I remember is he?" her voice was far too small.

"No; I'm afraid he is not Miss Evans. Now if you'll excuse me," I left with Hermione and Poppy both of whom would have been worried should Severus be where I thought he'd be.

By the time we actually got to the astronomy tower the resident Potions Master physically appeared nowhere in sight. I could smell magic – the Disillusionment Charm – I peered around me as my eyes seemed drawn to one of the oldest Hogwarts statues, a sitting hog. I knew this was where Severus had always come to clear his mind; but until know I never knew why. This became painfully clear to both Poppy and myself as I managed to break the charm around him; in theory a man Severus' height should never fit in such a small huddled position let alone the size he would to fit in. Although I was pleased to see that by some miracle he had managed to fall into a peaceful sleep, perhaps because there was never little room to move.

"What are we going to do with you?" I muttered almost inaudibly.

"St. Mungo's would be a nice change of pace," well maybe I was wrong about the sleep part.

"Nice change of pace? Have you finally gone mad?" that was Pomfrey, back in matron mode it appeared.

"It would appear so Madame." We both moved away as we allowed him to uncurl himself from his little den. I noticed there was a red sticky substance trickling down his face.

"Severus you are bleeding," he instinctively raised a hand to his head – maybe this happened more than I thought.

"Indeed I am. Must have hit something,"

"Do you want me to heal it, or should Poppy take a look?" I gave a meaningful look to the medi-witch, she understood at once, fortunately for both of us the swaying professor before us missed our exchange – which only made me worry more.

"And there is not another option before you start that." As either of us were talking quietly, we become oddly confused by this silent, and staring Severus; although I think I was more scared than confused.

"Severus Tobias Snape," I grabbed his arm, as he turned to face me, I could see that the use of his brothers and fathers name was a painful subject – as that's all I could see in his eyes; Lily had been right they were like tunnels – I felt extremely guilty for that. "Sorry but I had to get your attention before you did anything rash."

"No need Min, only trying to help." It was obvious that he was tired but I didn't realise he was that bad until he collapsed against one of the turrets. There was an eerie silence as the cracking sound of bone on stone echoed rather callously about the castle. I sent Pomfrey ahead of me as I attempted to stem the flow of blood from his now damaged skull; that done I levitated him to the hospital wing – sure he'd hate that but it was well after curfew and all the sensible professors were hopefully asleep. I could make Lily immensely guilty in the morning.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

It was about time that Lily Evans understand the emotional damage her death had caused my little chimera cub. I escorted her to the hospital wing where Pomfrey was waiting with an old pensieve next to a still sleeping Severus Snape. Since none of the things we were going to show this flower were pretty yet still had to be handled delicately; I felt pity that Snape couldn't have told her himself.

"What happened to him?" I knew it was odd that this preciously perfect Lily was not beside herself that her apparent first love was in the state he was in.

"You happened to him mum," I looked around her to check that it was Harry's voice I had heard.

"Don't take that tone with me."

"No mum; we both thought you were dead. At least I didn't have to deal with the heartbreak he did. I mean I only just managed to remember the night you died." I never realised how cynical Potter could be; very much like Severus – I really didn't want to think about that – but it was clear he had gotten through to his mother when I hadn't.

"I am so very sorry, I know it doesn't mean anything but I am."

"Did you or the Professor say that?"

"Both," I finally managed to get a word into the argument which was occurring over Snape's rather unconscious body.

"How do you know Minerva McGonagall?" I knew I heard an attitude from Lily in the staff meeting but know it was even more – well – pronounced, I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"Lil, please don't take that tone with Min." Both Harry and I stared at Severus in shock; I knew he could never say no to Lily but now he was defending me from her.

"Min? Min? That's worse than James calling her Minnie." I could see Severus was shaking rather violently but luckily it wasn't an actual fit. As I silently called Poppy over, Lily rounded on me; her face a picture of apocalyptic rage – it was highly unnerving. "Why do you let him call you that?"

"Albus used to call me that, perhaps Severus picked up on it? Besides he's only done so twice, once last night when he was far too emotional to realise what he was saying. And just now and as you can see he's unconscious again; so maybe we should let him rest, since he may need to teach tomorrow." Before I knew what was going on – or at least properly – as it was obvious that Miss Evans didn't want anyone else caring for my chimera cub; and as Poppy had muttered something about `my child' as she always did when it came to Severus Snape. I forced Harry to move with me as his mother and the matron came to verbal blows over Severus, as we left I could see him stirring again. I hoped he didn't have to wake up to a pair of screaming, over-protective, banshee like mother hens.

888

"Great first you pick a fight with McGonagall and now Pomfrey. Really Lily? You do know they are the most feared women in the school?"

"Go back to sleep Sev,"

"No, not until you explain why you're even more protective of me than the mother hens are." I stared long into her eyes; yes they were as deep as I remembered but somehow something was missing – or maybe lacking, I wasn't sure.

"Mother hens?"

"Yes, Professor McGonagall and Madame Pomfrey."

"I over reacted didn't I?" finally, she looked ashamed for her behaviour.

"That would be an understatement, Lils." She hugged me gently, "now say you're sorry to the matron, then go and apologise to Minerva." I let her go, as she walked to Pomfrey's office. The door opened before she could knock, an insanely stern Poppy Pomfrey stood with hands on hips; her eyebrows raised as Lily's mouth opened and closed without ushering a word before: I'm sorry, finally tumbled out of her mouth and the old Lily I knew ran from the ward. The fear of the matron was back and in its rightful place. However, Minerva had always scared me more so would this delicate flower be able to deal with the fierce Scottish wildcat? I doubted it; but we would hear, soon enough.

888

There was a gentle tapping on my office door, I could only guess who that could be. I swung the door forward with my hands on my hips – she knew I meant war.

"Miss Evans; what can I do for you?"

"Nothing Headmistress, I just came to say," with a small breath Lily took more air than she should really have needed, "I'm sorry, what I said was wrong and I'm sorry."

"You ran from Pomfrey didn't you?"

"I might have done Professor," I couldn't help a small smile.

"There's the old Lily I knew and missed," if she hadn't been expected that particular comment than the hug I drew her into was most certainty unexpected.

"I forgive you child, just as Madame Pomfrey would have had you not run."

"But what about Sev?" this question most defiantly caught me off guard.

"Lily, Severus would never hear a word; no, a single syllable against you; he forbid the Slytherin's from using that word. If he ever caught them saying it or beginning to say it; he'd sort of turn into a puff adder."

"You don't mean that literally do you?"

"Oh no Lily, but he could puff himself up rather nicely; he even managed to scare me once." I could see the eyebrow rise, "Albus had said something about the latest mission, a student and his parents could have been killed had he not broken his cover. Instead of well done, or you did the right thing he got more along the lines of what were you thinking, you could have blown the operation. I'd never seen Albus so mad, not had I seen Severus so forwards the headmaster with others present."

"Others present?"

"They'd normally leave the room and take the one sided conversation with them to the head's office," before I could continue Lily cut in with:

"If only walls could talk, right?"

"Indeed, but from what I could gather your name always came up. Albus always drew on Severus' love of you and his guilty conscience about his part in your death. Occasionally he still says she died in my arms, did you? Was he really at Godric's Hollow that night?"

"Well before the draft kicked in fully I had enough time to say Sev, protect Harry; so I suppose he must have been at the house after Voldemort. But he'd also been near the house weeks before, I knew it was a warning; but James." We both sighed, "James didn't want to think that Severus could and apparently has changed." I stared at Lily, indicating I wanted her to continue, "He would have died for me if he'd have gotten into the house that night, wouldn't he?" I gave her a sad smile,

"The chimera has grown, so yes; I suppose he would have. Although given his Slytherin edge he would also kill for you."

"What?"

"Oh sorry, there's an old riddle that highlights our characteristics; like the sorting song. Gryffindor's would die for love; Slytherin's would kill for love; Ravenclaw's would find a way for both to love and Hufflepuff, well Hufflepuff's would commit genocide for love."

"That's just crazy," Lily's wide eyes had clearly indicated that she had lots to think about.

"It is isn't it; actually due to Professor Snape's loyalty to you he may have to be put in the Hufflepuff part of that," I laughed quietly to myself as Lily caught up to me.

"He'd probably commit genocide for being anything like Madame Sprout's badgers; and she's scary enough."

"True Pomona can have a somewhat short temper at times, then again so can Poppy."

"Wait! The matron's a Hufflepuff? I thought she'd be a Ravenclaw." Well I wanted to make Lily guilty; and I actually managed to do so twice in the same number of days.

"You feel guilty now, don't you?" I rather liked stating the obvious with my old golden girl.

"Just a lot Professor; I should go back to the scary lady shouldn't I?" I laughed, never before had anyone admitted that the school medi-witch scared them. Then again she frightened me too and I rarely needed to be there unless to check on my chimera cub. I pointed to the door as Lily left to face the dreaded matron – it was still amusing to me.

888

When Lily arrived back it was clear that she'd been to see Minerva, it was also apparent that the headmistress had forgiven her replacement. It must have been some discussion with Minerva; although there appeared to be a slightly more fearful edge in her step as she approached the office door, again. At least his time Poppy had waited for her to knock; the door swung forwards as before. It was almost as if the matron had not moved from her stance behind the office door – although I knew she had.

"So much for Gryffindor courage, 'ey Lily?" I could see the glint in the matron's eyes even from my bed which I was still not allowed out of.

"Madame Pomfrey, I'm sorry. I over reacted."

"Over reacted is a bit of an understatement, my dear."

"I'm sorry,"

"I know, and I forgive you;" I saw Pomfrey lift her hand to stop Lily from interrupting, "as I would have done had you not bolted. Now why don't you take Severus to Gryffindor Tower to speak with Harry." I knew Lily was staring dumbfounded at the matron – as was I, at least mentally as there was no way Poppy should have known my plain.

"But,"

"Don't argue just do it."

"Yes, Madame Pomfrey." She stared at me, I knew that Lily hadn't realised I wasn't actually asleep. "Do you think it's wise to wake him?"

"He's already awake; aren't you Severus?" the matron's voice was louder by the end there was no way that I could not have heard it.

"Yes Poppy?" both the women before me looked as if they were willing to kill.

"You can leave now." There seemed to be an all-knowing look in Pomfrey's eye – I tried not to let it bother me.

"Finally," I muttered as I left my sterile prison, again – knowing my lick I'd be back by the end of the week.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Despite Poppy's suggestion Lily took me to my own rooms and then left for her own which was odd; but she didn't know that I could have done with the company. On the plus side – if there was one – I could go to Gryffindor Common Room without my white flower pestering me as to why I left it necessary to be there; I had enough of that from the fat lady. Once again I took Potter's shortcut, it was rather useful when I wanted to avoid people – particularly Filch. Before long I was outside the lion's den, although I didn't wish to wake the fat lady it was unfortunately unavoidable.

I gently tapped her frame, "Madame, Madame I would be very grateful if you could wake up." I saw her angered expression for being woken.

"Well at least you're polite about waking a lady, I trust you have a good reason to do so."

"Madame if I may speak with Mr Potter, I will leave you to your rest."

"You want to speak with Harry?" I nodded in confirmation, "That's it? You woke me up for that!"

"Indeed I am sorry my dear lady, but it is important and or can it wait." I tapped my foot impatiently.

"You'll just have to sleep out here, like last time; won't you?"

"Madame do not think that I won't. Sleeping in corridors is not yet beneath me, I have done so before."

"Fine, I'll go get him. But remember Snape, I am not an owl."

"I thank you Madame." I ignored her last comment. I continued to wait outside the common room for at least twenty minutes before she swung forward revealing Potter. "Mr Potter I was hoping I could have a moment of your time,"

"Glad to see your out of the hospital wing again sir, but don't you ever sleep?"

"Rarely, I am used to being awake at odd hours."

"So I've noticed."

"Madame must you interrupt?"

"Can't you talk to Violet or someone?"

"Fine, I know when I'm not wanted," the fat lady stormed out of her portrait, leaving no way of calling her back.

"Well Professor what did you want to talk about?"

"That I'm sorry for everything. For things that you know about and the things that you don't; know that I am sorry." We stared at each other, "Harry?"

"You let her insult you, so that you could apologise to me?"

"Effectively, yes,"

"Are you doing this to get back in mum's good books or aren't hated by me anymore?"

"Bit of both,"

"Mostly the former, then."

"No. The latter actually."

"You don't want me to hate you? But you hate me."

"That bits wrong. I never truly hated you Harry. Only what you represented."

"Now I'm a bit lost; what do I represent?"

"The union of your mother and father, Harry. Think what that means to someone like me."

"The marriage of the man you hated," I cut him off.

"Envied."

"Okay, and the woman you loved. Which says what?"

"That I'm petty. I couldn't get over a simple boyhood feud to go to my best friend's wedding."

"You should have been where James was." Harry was nodding to himself as if some sort of understanding had been reached.

""What?"

"I mean that. Mum seems happier with you than she did with Dad."

"My turn to be lost, Harry."

"In the photo I have of her she only looks happy, her eyes don't light up like they do when your with her, sir."

"She sees genuinely happy when I'm around?"

"Yes sir; she does. If I may ask Professor, but do you want to marry her?"

"Well yes; but I was hoping you'd approve first. I mean Lily is your mother and I'm still me if you could put up with this as a step-father." It was clear Harry knew what I meant as I gestured to myself in a manner of self-loathing.

"You're not so bad once I get to know you, Professor."

"I could say the same about you. Are you letting me marry Lily?"

"Who am I to stop you? You do know that you're doing this in a very old-fashioned way?"

"I call it traditional."

"Okay; but why are you asking me?"

"You're her son." I couldn't have said it any simpler and still Harry appeared confused. I sighed, "Lily's a widow, and traditional if another man wishes to marry a widower he would either ask the father should he be alive, the eldest brother should there be one or in this case the son."

"Right; why don't you just ask the question?" I could tell that Harry Potter was getting rather annoyed at my somewhat Victorian values.

"I had hoped that you would help me find a suitable ring for her;" I was rubbing the back of my neck nervously, "also I was wondering if we could get to known each other better." It was rather unnerving that Harry just stared and blinked at me as if staring through me.

"You want to get to know me?"

"Well I've been wrong about you before, Harry." I was getting impatient with him for repeating my questions.

"True; is that what you were apologising for?"

"Among other things yes," I shrugged as the fat lady was remerging from a visit to the drunk friars' portrait. "You better get some sleep. I doubt either Lily or Madame Pomfrey would let me live if you didn't get some rest."

"Right, goodnight Professor Snape," he turned to the fat lady who seemed far more incompetent than she should have been, considering the amount of three hundred years old alcohol she no doubt consumed, giving her the password of: "phoenix" he entered the Common Room of the red and gold lions. When the portrait had closed she – the fat lady – stared angrily at me, was she still mad what being woken up?

"Yes, Madame."

"I still cannot believe you woke me up to talk with him," it appeared that she was indeed still angry about that; however, I could feel something that may have been added to that statement, "and I thought that you two hated each other?" this time her question was more slurred and confused – the fat lady was drunker than she appeared.

"People change my dear lady, we are not so two-dimensional; there are many layers that could be removed if I wish them to."

"If you wish them to?" I ignored her, I could only bare the fat lady so much of the time but drunk she was completely annoying and rather rude.

"Besides looks can be deceptive,"

"Indeed, always thought you were heartless for example,"

"Go to sleep Madame, or else I will wake you up early tomorrow morning."

"You wouldn't dare,"

"Do you really wish to test me?" I raised an eyebrow at the portrait, she of course shuddered, "Go to sleep madame," I may not be able to be overly cruel to the Gryffindor's themselves but I could still have an argument with the portrait – simply because they don't change very often. I calming walked back to my quarters although in my I could still hear the fat lady's comment.

I couldn't help smiling since tomorrow was a Saturday, I could get away with taking Harry to Diagon Alley – as long as I asked Minerva – on that thought I felt it necessary to go to the Headmistress' office; I sent along my patronus to give Minerva the heads up on my intensions to take Harry with me to find the best ring I could afford.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

It was two AM when I arrived to McGonagall's office, I could see that she wasn't best pleased – probably at being woken up.

"Severus, what do you mean by waking me at two in the morning."

"Didn't my patronus explain?"

"Sort of, I was still half asleep. And I had hoped that you would be as well."

"Some habits are hard to break, my sleeping patterns seem to be one just one of those." I shrugged, "Anyway, I wanted your permission taking Harry with me to Diagon Alley tomorrow." Minerva was looking curiously at me; I knew she wanted clarification as to why. "I wanted his assistance getting a ring for Lily." This small confession seemed to make Minerva's eyes shine just as much as Albus' used to; speaking of the previous headmaster, his portraits eyes were also shining.

"I must say Severus it's about time."

"If you say so Minerva."

"Alright, you have my permission to take Harry to Diagon Alley." I turned to leave but Minerva's voice called me back, "Severus have you thought about who you want as your best man?"

"I've got a couple of ideas, Professor; and since Harry can't walk his mother down the aisle and be my best man I'll have to do some more thinking about it."

"Well why not? Do you want Harry as your best man?"

"I'm not sure Minerva, I had hoped Albus might but that's not happening," I found myself sat in the chair opposite the heads desk. "I could ask Lupin, I have grown attached to the wolf but then he doesn't know me so well. Perhaps I could ask Alastor he and I are relatively similar; and he does know me, well bits of me." I did note that Minerva was silently listening to every word that I said, even though I was mostly talking to myself.

"Severus," I looked directly at the headmistress as she called my name, "I think you should ask Mad-Eye; he's been helping you from the side lines for years."

"True he has; but what about Yaxley and the other miscreants?"

"What about them?"

"Perhaps I could send a fake trial, you know say the weddings on a certain day but it won't be."

"You're never going to rest until they're all in Azkaban; are you?"

"Unlikely, but they will all fail. I'll go call Alastor. Goodnight, Minerva." I left the heads office in order to floo to Mad-Eye's place; I knew the man had retired – again – but he was always a fighter.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

"Alastor?" The small living space that I had stepped into was dusty, unorganised and extremely cluttered. I heard the sound of metal on wood as he came down the rather dilapidated staircase that lead from the hall to the upper floor.

"Severus Snape, to what do I owe the pleasure at," I saw Mad Eye's eye swing around to look at the cloak that hung on the landing. "half two in the morning?"

"Do you want to know the good plan or the better one?"

"What?"

"if I were getting married, or considering it; would you take the honour of being my best man."

"You're getting married?"

"Well I haven't got the ring nor have I asked but I think I have Harry's approval." I could see the look on his face. "And I want you as my best man."

"Why me? Why not Lupin, or Potter himself?"

"Because you know me best."

"Do I?"

"Of course you do, Alastor." I seemed stunned that the old auror really didn't think he knew me.

"I know kid." Alastor knew I hated that word. "Sure, it'll be my honour to be your best man."

"Thankyou." I didn't leave as he expected.

"Was there anything else, Severus?"

"I need some help catching Yaxley."

"I do know is routine, he'll be in Diagon Alley tomorrow morning, early."

"How early?"

"Before the jeweller's opens, early."

"Perfect; we can get Yaxley before I get Harry to help with the ring hunt. If you wanted help with that as well?"

"That is my job as best man." I noticed an evil grin on Alastor's face.

"What?"

"I get to plan your bachelor party."

"No,"

"See you at about half five outside Gringotts."

"Indeed."

I took the floo back to Hogwarts to inform Minerva of my plan with Alastor to deal with Yaxley. The headmistress' office was in darkness when I arrived, considering it was Friday, it was likely that McGonagall was on patrol. Considering it was late by the time I flooed to my office in the dungeons there really wasn't much point in sleeping; or finding McGonagall – although she did deserve to know. At a time like this I could do with some fresh air – which meant going to the astronomy tower.

"Professor McGonagall?" I was most surprised to see Minerva's animagus form pacing the astronomy tower turrets, she did seem a bit shaky on her legs as she transformed.

"Severus; how can I help you again this evening?"

"Just to let you know that Mad-Eye and I are going to Gringotts at around half five; to deal with Yaxley."

"Is that wise?"

"Maybe not but it needs to be done."

"Very well; you are still taking Harry?"

"After Yaxley has been dealt with, then I should be back to collect Mr Potter."

"Should? Severus, is there something I am missing?"

"No, I'm merely being realistic; Minerva."

"I'd say pessimistic, but that's just you." As the headmistress turned to leave the tower; before my next question stopped her.

"Professor, might I ask; why do you call me chimera?"

"How do you…"

"I keep a silent eye on most of the Gryffindor's; particularly its head of house."

"So that's how you know if someone's talking about you."

"That's correct." I paused briefly before continuing, "So why chimera?"

"You are neither snake nor lion; yet you are both."

"And the chimera is primarily the combination of snake and lion."

"Exactly; you are the best of both."

"I do hope Alastor's slept, even a little bit." The look on the headmistress' face was clearly inquiring, "I am well aware that you will be conspiring with Poppy to actually get me to sleep. But see Minerva; I'm wide awake and perfectly fine."

"Alright then; be perfectly fine, Severus." I turned to leave for the great hall as I checked my watch it very clearly said four and I knew it to be AM. "Oh and Severus."

"Yes, Professor,"

"Do curse Yaxley for me."

"Why so, McGonagall?"

"He's a coward. The type to enjoy that sort of thing and claim imperious." I could sense her blood was boiling slightly.

"Very well you old cat, I shall curse him for you." I left before she could comment; but never the less I still heard her say:

"I will get you back for that; old cat, indeed. Really Chimera I don't know you at all."

As I expected the great hall was deserted – as it should have been at half four in the morning – well it was until I heard the matron's rather irate heels storming down a flight of stairs, curiously they didn't go to my quarters as I expected them to. The doors to the great hall opened, if I was being honest, the formidable Madame Pomfrey had never scared me more. I didn't want to fight her either verbally or otherwise but I did have to be outside Gringotts in approximately half an hour.

"Severus, I do hope you've slept since I let you leave earlier." I merely studied the floor, "But judging by your reaction I'd say not." I remained silent. "Oh for crying out loud Snape; talk to me!" without moving I replied,

"And why should I Madame?" now I knew that I had insulted her.

"You want to know why?" again I gave no measureable response "I'll tell you anyway, because I care. And I don't want to be the last face you see as you die of anything other than old age." My head jerked up so I could look at the now timid medi-witch.

"What makes you think I'll die of anything other than old age? I've survived nearly twenty years of torture, I'm fairly certain that if that amount of the cruciatus curse can't kill me than only the killing curse will." I checked my watch, it read five fifteen; it was time to leave for Gringotts.

"Severus, be careful,"

"Yes mother-hen." I calmly walked out of the front doors of Hogwarts as I twisted ready for apparition, I heard the matron's final cry and warning:

"Do not underestimate your opponent, Severus. My child be careful," with Pomfrey's words ringing in my ears; I arrived outside the wizarding bank with ten minutes to spare. I knew Alastor would likely be late.

Diagon Alley was rather eerie at this time in the morning, it reminded me oddly of Knockturn Alley – maybe that's why the only people I had seen so far where those with secrets, mostly high ranking family of death eaters with no brains but plenty of money – it seemed a second home for scum. I silently checked my watch, five twenty five, still no Mad-Eye although Yaxley had arrived and fortunately not seen me. Behind me Gringotts doors opened – so even Goblins had opening hours – Yaxley and his what appeared to be bodyguards walked straight in; considering we all wore black, I felt a plan beginning to form in my mind. He was far too easy to tail; Yaxley, he was far too carefree almost seemed to think himself invincible. I only had once chance left as he turned towards Knockturn Alley; it had to be now or never.

"Yaxley!" I noted that he turned quickly to the sound of my voice as Alastor arrived preciously on time and right next to me.

"So you've come to arrest me, have you Severus? I see you've brought the retired old man."

"I ain't retired yet, Yaxley. Besides just helping a friend."

"Friend? You and him, Mad-Eye; really? Honestly Snape I never thought you'd go soft." The laugh that came from him was a cruel and cold sound although nowhere near as bone chilling as either Bellatrix's or Voldemort's laughs.

"Thankyou for the compliment, Phobos,"

"Compliment? That was an insult."

"Believe what you wish but I do think that there is a cell in Azkaban with your name on; Yaxley."

"You'd have to," I lazily flicked my wand as Phobos Yaxley fell stunned to the floor.

"Finish that sentence, I dare you." I turned to Alastor who almost appeared impressed by the wordless magic. "Mad-Eye could you possibly escort this scum to the ministry." I gestured to the incapacitated body of Phobos Yaxley.

"Don't you want to deal with this; it is only half six." I looked at my watch, Alastor was right it was indeed half six. I could go back to Hogwarts – perhaps to sleep but that would be unlikely.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

The rare moment of me flying was an unexpected development for Harry to witness, he seemed almost afraid that I might damage myself. It was a good way of clearing my head without McGonagall or Pomfrey worrying that I may throw myself from the astronomy tower.

"Professor Snape?"

"Yes Harry,"

"I didn't know that you could fly."

"There's no need for anyone to know that. And before you say anything I was better at racing than Quidditch." I glanced subtly at my watch it was nine.

"Right, not so much a team player?"

"Something along those lines."

"Could have been a seeker though." We both walked towards the castle, away from the Quidditch stands.

"What makes you say that?"

"Same sight build, and your quick." I noticed we were both comfortable talking about Quidditch or similar; it appeared to be neutral territory.

"Thanks, I guess. So how long have you been awake?"

"Since about eight." I saw the shrug, I could tell that he'd been awake earlier than that.

"How long have you been flying Severus?" I could feel the tension rolling of Lily; who had arrived in front of us.

"When I arrived back from dealing with Yaxley with Alastor."

"So no more death eaters?" I saw that both Harry and Lily seemed less tense after my reply:

"No more death eaters."

"But you two have been hidden from me;" there was an accusing tone in her voice.

"Not really Lily," I was cut off by McGonagall as her heels rounded the corridor.

"Honestly Severus have you not asked yet?" she could tell from my dropped head that I hadn't. "Ah, no-thing then," I gave a small shake of my head which of course Minerva could see. "Take her with you, its time you be a bit less old fashioned."

"It's traditional," I was too quick and the headmistress knew it.

"No it's what your father would have done; and you are not him. Not like Tobias was." I could feel myself tensing.

"You need to relax Professor," I looked sideways at Harry and nodded silently. "You're going to insist on Severus, aren't you?"

"Only out of class. So yes I suppose I am."

"Good to see you two are finally getting along." With McGonagall's final words ringing in each of our ears, it was decided that Lily would chose her own ring.

We were outside the jewellers, I saw that Lily had hung back from the door.

"So that's what this is about?" I huffed slightly.

"What do you think this is about Lily?"

"Does Harry approve?"

"Ask him yourself." I noticed that Harry was shuffling his feet as his mother's unusually stern gaze fell on him.

"I think you two would work well together; besides you both deserve to be happy."

"Harry, as much as I love him; I'm not going to marry him." Lily continued to stare into her son's eyes; although as she apparated she didn't look at me. My chocking cough seemed to bring Harry back from wherever he was.

"Severus, I;" I held my hand to stop him.

"It's not your fault Harry. She probably needs more time."

"More time? She's been dead for eighteen years!"

"Yes and that's my fault to." I didn't even register saying that but I had.

"What do you mean by that?" I knew that I would be throwing caution in the wind if I answered that; but since this was Harry, I did owe him an explanation.

"You remember the prophecy,"

"Of course I; oh." There was silence for at least two minutes.

"You hate me don't you?"

"I should but I don't."

"But."

"Have you ever forgiven yourself?"

"No."

"Then I will not hate you. You're doing a pretty good job of that yourself." I blinked mindlessly at Harry, "Besides I stand by what I said outside the common room; you'd make a decent step-father."

"Maybe we should go back to Hogwarts." Both Harry and I apparated, we should in front of the gates which as they always did, swung forward to grant us entry. I stood for a moment as Harry entered; and I muttered to myself: "I do know one thing, Alastor's going to be mad." I hadn't realised that Harry had already entered the castle by the time I had even crossed the gates threshold. I left him at the base of the grand old staircase, nothing was said but I did place a reassuring hand on his shoulder before making my way to Minerva's office – to give her the bad news of course.

The old tabby sat patiently on her desk, her tail flicking ominously. I was unsure whether Lily had already informed McGonagall of what had happened.

"Severus," it was clear by the head's tone that this conversation was to be insightful for her.

"Yes Minerva,"

"Are you alright?" there was a hint of concern in the woman's voice.

"Been better."

"Lily said she'd worked it out;" I said nothing. "Severus, I'm sorry. I should have known better."

"Perhaps, you should have." I felt the venom that I wanted to unleash on the headmistress for her meddling; but I couldn't blame McGonagall really, after all she'd been so glad that perhaps happiness would find me – again – since the war ended. She seemed less than pleased by my response although my lack of hatred or venom appeared to confuse her.

"That wasn't very much like you."

"How would you know what's like me?"

"Your very cynical when people seem to think that they know you or worse like you."

"Well clearly Lily doesn't do either."

"Talk to her, be her best friend."

"She should know that I will always be there for her; I would do anything and everything for her."

"Maybe she needs to be reminded."

"Or maybe she has to forget." I spoke so quietly that I hadn't realised that McGonagall had heard me.

"Don't start that again, I don't want to find your body in a corpse like state at the bottom of the astronomy tower." I had clearly hit a raw nerve with the headmistress as she stormed out of her own office; leaving me very kindly with Albus' portrait.

"Come now Severus, is all this entirely necessary," I wasn't sure to what the `this' was but I was certain that it was necessary. "I'll take your silence as a yes then, shall I?" I nodded silently and as with little conviction but it was still an acknowledgement; which meant I was preciously where Albus wanted me.

"You take it however you want to take it."

"Now that you're talking." I could see the portrait's eyes glittering much as they had in life. It was clear that I had walked into a trap. "Why do you think Lily said no?"

"Because I haven't changed. I'm still not a nice man, Albus."

"You are trying."

"Not that it matters to anyone else."

"Minerva's right you know."

"Right about what?"

"Stop wallowing in self-pity, boy." I winced away from the sudden anger that flowed through every brush stroke of Albus' portrait. Even in life I had only seen him like this once; when he was teaching me Occlumency.

"I don't know how to do anything else."

"Well try; show them all that you have changed."

"Have I? Have I really changed Albus?"

"Of course you have, Harry thinks rather highly of you. Even Alastor has grown somewhat attached to you."

"Yes and they have got to be mad."

"Severus," I heard a clear warning in the old headmasters voice.

"Fine, I'll try. I doubt I will succeed but I shall try none the less." I gave Albus no more reason to speak as left the head's office, I now felt compelled to apologise to Minerva for something – I still couldn't put my finger on it.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 22

As usual I found Minerva atop the astronomy tower; as the headmistress she shouldn't really have been teaching, but due to Lily's unexpected absence from the school, she had been forced to step into her old position.

"McGonagall, are you alright?"

"Been better," my lip curled slightly as she used my phrase on me.

"Haven't we all,"

"I thought with Voldemort gone, the fighting would stop." She had turned to look directly at me. "Sort of naive really." I could tell she worried.

"Not naïve, innocent maybe."

"Since when has anyone been innocent?"

"When I find out you'll be the first to know." There was a wain smile on the headmistresses face, but it was gone far too quickly.

"You came to find me, didn't you?"

"Might have done,"

"Why?"

"To apologise, and before you ask no I don't know why; but for some reason I felt compelled to do so."

"That's rare isn't it, you apologising I mean."

"It's uncommon but not rare; and I mean it when I say it."

"You have a good heart Severus."

"If you think so, headmistress." I knew I had interrupted her which was never a good idea.

"Let me finish," I bowed my head slightly in acceptance of my mistake, "Give Lily some more time."

"I intend to. I should leave you to your thoughts then." I left a still slightly confused Minerva staring after me. But at least I knew Lily would return; eventually, perhaps, I hoped.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23 (McGonagall's point of view)

"Professor McGonagall," I turned to see Madame Pomfrey glaring at me.

"What is it Poppy?"

"He was doing so well, even without Lily." I tensed subconsciously; I knew the medi-witch had seen this. I remained silent, waiting for her to continue. "Speaking of; where is she?" Again I made no acknowledgement of having heard her. "Where is Lily Evans, McGonagall?"

"She's gone; I don't know where but he was going to ask her marry him. Harry's not taking it well, I think young Mr Potter liked the idea of Severus being his step-father."

"And what of our young chimera, himself?"

"He seems completely unaffected, like it hasn't even hit him."

"Only a matter of time," I nodded slowly, but we were both interrupted by Harry running into the empty classroom we were in.

"Professor McGonagall, Madame Pomfrey. Snape; help"

"Calm down Harry; catch your breath. What about Severus?"

"I think mum saying no has finally hit him. She wasn't even nice about it."

"What do you mean? How did she phrase it?"

"Well she said no to me not him; it was `Harry, as much as I love him, I will not marry him;' and then she apparated without a look or word to Snape."

"He tried to find her didn't he?"

"I think he succeeded Professor, although he didn't like what he heard, apparently."

"He never does; he is so full of hate for himself."

"You know Severus well don't you Poppy?" I was unaware of my tone on the medi-witch,

"What are you implying Minerva?"

"He calls you mother, for crying out loud!"

"Well somebody had to be while he was at school here! You ignored him, even Horace didn't pay any attention to him. He spoke to me about things that he didn't feel comfortable talking to Lily about." I could feel Pomfrey's fierce protection for our young potions master. "I knew about his past; I saw the signs but I had a way out he didn't; even Albus used all this against him." I knew full well where she was going with this, and Harry didn't need to know.

"Harry why don't you try to get some rest, I'm sure Severus will be fine by morning." I didn't believe the words that I spoke but Potter needed some hope; even if he didn't believe them either.

"Fine but I know he was abused." Both Poppy and I stared at Harry; who shrugged before saying "Signs." With that Potter was gone.

"Does that mean what I think it means?" I looked sideways at the now sitting Poppy.

"If by that you mean we all failed Harry Potter than yes." I ignored the implications of this and carried on.

"How much do you know about Tobias Sr?"

"Enough to know that he should never be a father."

"Tell me."

"Minerva, you don't;"

"Don't tell me I don't want to know, Poppy; or else I wouldn't have asked."

"Fine, but do not pity him; you know he hates it."

"Poppy just spit it out," there was a warning in my voice.

"Most of his abuse was physical; a hit here a punch there and occasionally a belt, but over time say when Severus was five his mother committed suicide." I couldn't help but gasp. "Severus found her barely breathing in a bloody bathroom, she died in his arms; he couldn't save her. From what he told me before; her eyes haunt him still, a pleading tone saying `let me go'."

"But," I choked down tears as I continued, "But what about his obsession with the dark arts?"

"Just a way of protecting himself, after Eleanor Prince's death, Tobias sr and the twins; Tobias jr in particular and Septimus to a lesser extent became even more physical."

"Can this get any worse?" I knew it could. Poppy simply looked at me saying `I did warn you.'

"Of course it can, it wouldn't be Snape's story otherwise. Anyway Septimus was more prone to humiliation that violence; Severus was seven when he first meet Lily, but her sister Petunia was a rather cruel child. Tobias sr under the control of his evil twin sons, had our Severus wearing his dead mother's clothes, dresses included, that little fact will be important later."

"Colour?" I knew it wasn't important but it was.

"Black, of course; and due to Severus' black and almost emotionless eyes," she chocked on tears before continuing although half the sentence was gone, "when the twins came to Hogwarts at eleven," once again I had the feeling that I was missing something as she shuddered.

"Severus was nine. Isn't that when most of the you know."

"Exactly and I'm getting to that, Severus only told me about this part when he'd called Lily a mudblood,"

"His fifth year? He kept it all from us for years?" I could see Poppy nodding sadly. "I feel sick."

"You and me both." There was a quiet sigh as the matron tried to compose herself. "James had threatened to take off his trousers, and since nobody but I knew that Severus' legs had several serious burns on them; after a prolonged period of time, he panicked."

"Can't say I blame him, our poor cub."

"I know, I can stop if you want."

"No, I need to understand."

"I warned you Minerva." Poppy inhaled deeply as if preparing herself for whatever came next. "Most of those burns are in his genital area but from the scarring I'd say around thirteen, fourteen when they were inflicted."

"It would take more than a year to get over that,"

"That's why he panicked, he wasn't over the emotional scars; I doubt he ever will be. So for him to even consider asking Lily's hand is a great step forward, but then to have it pushed away again for the second time." I knew Pomfrey was sighing but I couldn't hear it, I was too – I didn't know what I was.

"You've skipped something haven't you?"

"Not skipped, glossed over." Poppy could see the look I gave her, "Fine, but I hope you have a stronger stomach than Albus did when I told him. You remember our professor was forced into wearing his mother's dresses?"

"I doubt I'm ever going to forget and not from lack of trying."

"When Tobias jr and Septimus where at Hogwarts, even during holidays; Severus was being more than abused but his father. I told Albus as soon as our chimera told me, Severus was close to graduation when Tobias died. Liver failure the most likely cause; but his father's dead had unforeseen difficulties for the young Slytherin and with no Lily he came to me."

"He told you more than anyone should know,"

"He's been through more than anyone should have to go through."

"That he has, carry on matron." Normally we would have laughed at that, but now not even a smile at this attempt at humour.

"Yes well the humiliated state of being forced to wear those clothes would be abuse enough between five and nine but it's what happened when Severus' brothers where out of the way that will hurt the most. His father had seemingly lost his job a few days previous, and in a typically drunken state; his young son looked a lot like his mother in a brain addled way. And being the only one around how could help Tobias to bed; now as women we know what men can be like in that place." I nodded in shock, I couldn't believe what I was hearing, Pomfrey continued regardless of my facial expressions, "I did ask Severus if he knew what was happening to him, and he did."

"Our potions mater at the age of nine knew that his monster of a father was fiddling with him? And in ways which should never go through the human brain regardless."

"Effectively, yes."

"That explains a lot, it shouldn't but it does."

"He's always was a quiet child,"

"There's more to that statement than before Poppy." Again the medi-witch nodded sadly. "He said that he hadn't learnt to speak until he was eight."

"Lily wasn't there that year; he couldn't cope properly ended by having a relapse."

"Reasonably understandable, why wasn't Lily there?"

"Family holiday, something our Severus never had."

"So all of these emotions he know considers himself unworthy of having."

"Have somehow broken that mask he's hidden behind for so very long; as a way of surviving. That's all he ever did before was survive; now he needs to live or at least learn how to start again."

"How does someone survive any of that?"

"By being strong, stubborn, and sometimes pretending that you can't feel a thing."

"Pretending you can't feel a thing?" I couldn't help looking quizzingly at the matron.

"He may appear to be the heartless one of us but his heart has the most love."

"We really don't know him, do we?" The door slammed as Severus walked in, causing both Poppy and myself to jump. I had subconsciously expected Harry to follow in behind, but he didn't. There was a certain awkwardness to the silence that filled the room.

"Pomfrey told you didn't she?" I noticed that Severus was deliberately avoiding the matron's apologetic gaze. "Didn't she?" it appeared he was in an impatient mood.

"You can't blame Poppy."

"I don't, I know you can be rather persuasive when you need to be."

"So can you." I gestured to the room, "No Harry,"

"Rarely; and Potter is asleep in his common room, he wanted to keep me company but he was too tired to argue." I noticed a pooling around the potions master left foot, where his arm stayed conveniently by his side – stationary as always. Gently I nudged Pomfrey with my foot as I shifted to a more comfortable position, when she looked at me I glanced at the floor next to where Severus was still standing although paler than before. Our eyes widened at how pale and unhealthy looking he had become in such a short space of time.

"You're bleeding," Pomfrey was beyond worried as he seemed confused by the statement; I pointed at the floor then up at his arm – which was where I thought the blood was from. He pulled up the sleeve to survey the damage, the old scars were still flowing out of the wounds.

"Oh, I thought that had stopped."

"High blood pressure, bruising of the soft tissue in your knuckles." Pomfrey was muttering, she glared sharply at him, "How long have you been outside in the pouring rain allowing yourself even more injuries."

"How long have I been punching walls out there?" there was several minutes of silence as Snape seemed to find his answer, "Long enough to need to find you,"

"So you don't want to die?" her voice hopeful which only seemed to send Severus further into his self-hatred.

"Of course I want to die! I'm tired of fighting, and I'm tired of being a burden."

"You are not a burden, and we're all tired of fighting."

"You don't get it. She's gone, again; because of me, again. I've lost Harry his mother twice now." Severus was sinking further into a chair he had fallen into, I could tell he was hoping that the world would swallow him. Despite the heat in the room, he appeared to be physically shaking – probably with silent tears.

"I always thought you were a cold hearted person," the matter of fact tone seemed to catch his attention he looked at me, those cunning black eyes were screaming with pain. His face stained with tear tracks, against all else he still seemed oddly pleased that someone hated him. "I was wrong though, you've got more love in you than Albus did, in a way."

"What are you talking about," his usual voice had become course and it sounded pained. He was staring between myself and Poppy who was hovering nervously by the door; she refused to speak.

"Despite everything your father did to you, you still loved his; as Harry did his aunt. Yes?"

"Can't be sure about Harry, but he was father so yes I still loved him."

"Even when you wanted to hate him?"

"Especially when I wanted to hate him." I nodded silently to myself.

"Severus, maybe we could get your arm healed?"

"Arms," he had to correct me on everything, even when he was probably dying. "And no you may not heal them. Just let me bleed."

"No I will not just let you bleed; Severus Snape, you are a valued member of this school." Pomfrey had finally found her voice again after several minutes of staring at an unusually emotive potions master. It was clear to both myself and Severus that she was in pure medi-witch mode; this only seemed to cloud his pain behind anger for the matron's need to interfere.

"Yes you will," before I was even aware of what was happening both Madame Pomfrey and I were blasted out of the door which slammed and then locked itself.

"Severus!" Pomfrey really wasn't letting go, I left her stood there shouting at the door. Down the corridor I walked rather slowly, hoping to hear the door open and Severus to walk himself to the hospital wing; although that never happened a blinding flash of light did. The lights shade was rather a midnight blue hue; clearly Snape had become bored of the shouting matron and forcibly transported her back to the ward. My reluctance to se Poppy had forced me back to the door, which I gently tapped.

"Professor?" I hoped an unusual address would get him to talk to me – but I was wrong.

"Go away Minerva," he really was beginning to sound tired; as if he'd already given up.

"No,"

"Let me be," he was cracking I could hear it.

"Not this way, Severus; please." He was ignoring me now talking mostly to himself than me.

"Just let me bleed,"

"You know I can't do that." There was a momentary comment in my head that if Albus used Lily's memory to get him in this unstable state; then perhaps I could use those memories to help him back – even then I knew it was a challenge.

"Why not, because you want to help me?"

"Because we want you to live."

"Then your all being self-centred." This was becoming ridiculous I'd always known that Severus could be stubborn; but saying that we were being selfish by keeping him alive when he wanted to die, well that was painful. Even if I had to reluctantly admit he had a point. He'd always been kept alive for someone else's gain; death – to him – was a way to escape.

"What about Lily?"

"She deserves someone better." There was a sadness in his voice that was clearly echoed in his heart. He truly believed that he wasn't worth anything to anyone.

"She loves you,"

"Then where is she? Why did she leave when I needed her," he was staring furiously into the fire.

"You know that grimaced look people make when they're trying not to laugh?" I wasn't really sure which memory we were discussing but I knew it would be painful.

"I know of it, why?"

"That's the last image of Lily I had in fifth year; my worst memory." He truly did look ashamed, there was only one word that could hurt him so much,

"You called her a mudblood didn't you?"

"I was so angry, all our years of friendship ruined because she found it ever so slightly amusing and I got mad. I ruined everything by letting my emotions get the better of me, I never wanted to feel again after I thought she had died. Then she came back, and I couldn't let myself feel because it would ruin things again; which it's done anyway. So what's the point of living?"

"Are you sure you want to die?" I could not believe I was giving in to him, but Severus needed rest.

"Do I ever say anything I don't mean?"

"You did once,"

"Look where that got me, twenty years of torture."

"Astronomy Tower?"

"Why not, I think I can still fit in the old hog statue."

"Found you there once,"

"I slept there a lot."

"Would you like some company?"

"No Minerva I'm sure you have," I had to cut him off, I'd always hated that phrase of his,

"If you're about to say more pressing matters, than you are mistaken, nothing is as pressing as you." I saw a tear fall from his eye as he turned away, "It's not a weakness you know."

"Not what I was taught."

"That's not your fault." I couldn't help but feel that he thought it was. "Are you certain you don't want any company?"

"I am certain Minerva this is something you don't want to see."


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24 (still Minerva's point of view)

I woke rather late in my chambers, on the sofa oddly, there was only one reason for my lengthy sleep; Severus. As soon as I thought his name, there was a knock on my door – it was quite heavy handed – meaning only one thing, they had found him.

"McGonagall, let me in we need to talk." I sighed, relieved it was Pomfrey and not Lily. I opened the door,

"Yes Poppy,"

"You left him on the astronomy tower in that state, he could have fallen."

"He didn't though did he?"

"No; but, how did you know he didn't?"

"You'd be crying if he had." It was a reasonable assumption to make.

"Fine, but why did you leave him?"

"He wouldn't let me go with him,"

"What?" the wide eyes of the matron hurt, she clearly thought that I would follow Severus in death.

"Not like that Poppy;"

"I should bloody well hope not!"

"Let me finish!" she was silent, "Right, I only meant company while he you know slipped into sleep."

"Oh," there was more understanding in her eyes now that had been cleared up, "Just so he knew someone cared."

"Exactly; but he was being stubborn."

"No he was being Severus." I couldn't help but laugh at that.

"I do hope he wouldn't mind us being sentimental about him."

"Albus is probably talking him into it."

"True enough, but where should we bury him?"

"What?" great now I had to talk Pomfrey into this being a good idea – which it was.

"Next to Albus, Severus did the most for this school; he kept the students alive during that battle. Besides Hogwarts was his home. And he was Albus' left hand even after death."

"Okay I can see that, but where?"

"I already said Albus' left; and underground crypt maybe?"

"Why underground? Hasn't he been hidden enough," I nodded at the medi-witch, "Does Lily know?" I shook my head; I hadn't been able to reach her. There was a moments silence between us before I continued,

"Harry's devastated."

"Why would Mr Potter be devastated?"

"I think he had become attached to Severus lately; I do hope he isn't blaming himself for this."

"He blames his mother actually," I felt my eyebrows rise further up my head.

"What?" I really hadn't expected Harry to blame Lily for Severus' death.

"Harry blames her for not listening to Severus and giving him another chance; despite the fact she knew he had changed apparently."

"Sounds like something Potter would say. So we're agreed he's to stay here, at Hogwarts?" I gave the medi-witch a rather meaningful look. There was no dispute as to where Severus was to stay.

"Yes he stays here, as it should be."

We both left for the grounds which seemed to be in a state of grief much like the professors. The dungeons had been cold to Severus since the death of Albus; but they would be cold to everyone without the Potions Master.


End file.
